The Power of Flexing: How to Use Small Daily Experiments to Create Big Life-Changing Growth
by Susan J. Ashford
HELPING OTHERS TO FLEX: A COACH’S GUIDE7 Getting Started: Questions for the Coach What steps have you taken to create a safe space for your coachee to explore their problem fully? What can you do to create the potential for a high-quality connection? During your coaching session, how can you enhance your ability to be fully present—not on your phone, answering emails, and so on? What boundaries can you set so both you and your coachee know what to expect? For example, have you specified the amount of time you’ll have together and the expected frequency of your sessions? How have you been able to demonstrate your listening in ways that let your coachee know you are fully engaged—for example, by paraphrasing back what you’re hearing? In what ways have you offered your coachee assurances of safety—for example, a serious commitment to confidentiality? What clues is your coachee sending about their mindset in their current experience? Are you detecting problems you may need to address? ENGAGING THE PROCESS: QUESTIONS COACHES MIGHT ASK OF THEIR COACHEES To Sharpen Their Focus What is the most important issue for you to address in your effort to be the leader you most want to be? What issue is most painful in the present for you? Based on explicit and implicit feedback, how are people experiencing you currently? What costs are there for you in the current situation—for example, costs to your relationships or an emotional toll? Are there any perceived costs for others in your current situation? What benefits are there for you in the current situation—for example, the benefit of minimizing the expression of anger? How do you want other people to experience you? What would the leader that you want to become do in your current situation? How would you define, in a few words, the most important goal you currently want to achieve? To Prompt Experimentation Now what? What actions might you possibly take to address the issues in your current situation and pursue your goal? What are some “small wins” you might pursue on the path to your overall goal? What experimental actions would you try if you weren’t afraid? How will you know whether your experiments are working? What metrics will show success? How can you build accountability into your experimental plan? Is there an accountability partner you might enlist to give you feedback and help you stay on track? To Assess and Solidify Progress How does the situation you chose to work on feel now? Have you received feedback that suggests improvement? Have you received feedback that reflects new or continuing challenges? What new reactions to you have you noticed that are different than you saw previously? Who could you ask for feedback—for example, using a question like “I’ve been working on X [e.g., my listening, being more open]. How’s it going?” How can you create a context in which it is safe for others to give you feedback? How well are you receiving the feedback others offer? Do your verbal and nonverbal… REFLECTION BEST PRACTICES TO UNDERSTAND PROGRESS ON YOUR LEARNING GOAL Following an important experience, consider three sets of questions: What happened and what was the outcome? What part of this would a video camera recording the scene have captured and what am I adding in based on my biases and anxiety? Did I try any of the experiments that I outlined for making progress on this goal? If not, why not? What obstacles held me back? (Consider both situational obstacles and internal obstacles such as fear, anxiety, or ego.) Did I seek feedback in this situation as I intended—either by observing reactions or by directly asking others for feedback? If not, why not? If yes, what did the feedback tell me about how I am doing on my goal? What positive and negative outcomes were created for me in this experience? What positive and negative outcomes were created for others? Why did things go the way that they went? In what way did I contribute (positively or negatively) to what occurred? What lessons do I distill from this experience? What are the most important takeaways about me? What do I take away about situations like this? What do I conclude about my learning goal? I still need to make progress. Should I keep it as a focus in future experiences? I feel more settled about this goal. Should I perhaps adopt another?
This suggests that, if you are more learning oriented, you are more likely to enter situations that have the most to teach you. Dragoni also found that people with a learning orientation were rated more highly as leaders following their challenging experiences. In other words, their orientation helped them to grow, and their growth in leadership was noticed by others.6
Jeff describes this assignment as a career- and life-changing experience. He said that, before this job, “I kind of hated working on teams, because I always felt, ‘I can get this done better working alone.’ Having to lead this team taught me how to value other people’s perspectives—and it showed me how we could actually get a lot more done working across disciplines.”
The Dunning-Kruger effect makes it hard for us to use feedback to flex. After all, if we don’t even recognize that we have a problem, we won’t attend to feedback cues or seek feedback from others about how to remedy the problem. We don’t know what we don’t know . . . and so we can’t flex, because we don’t even realize that flexing is desirable or necessary.
To learn and grow—to enjoy the potential benefits offered by a changing variety of work experiences—you need to flex; that is, to try doing something different. And the best way to maximize your learning is to plan and carry out specific experiments—flex behaviors that you think will increase your leadership and personal effectiveness.
But Bryant’s response to the question rejects the assumption. “It is not that there is a ‘right’ experience or set of experiences,” Bryant says. “It is that the CEOs have made the most out of the experiences they’ve had. A common attribute across the CEOs: Whatever they are doing at the time, they wring meaning from it. They learn.”
"HELPING OTHERS TO FLEX: A COACH’S GUIDE7 Getting Started: Questions for the Coach What steps have you taken to create a safe space for your coachee to explore their problem fully? What can you do to create the potential for a high-quality connection? During your coaching session, how can you enhance your ability to be fully present—not on your phone, answering emails, and so on? What boundaries can you set so both you and your coachee know what to expect? For example, have you specified the amount of time you’ll have together and the expected frequency of your sessions? How have you been able to demonstrate your listening in ways that let your coachee know you are fully engaged—for example, by paraphrasing back what you’re hearing? In what ways have you offered your coachee assurances of safety—for example, a serious commitment to confidentiality? What clues is your coachee sending about their mindset in their current experience? Are you detecting problems you may need to address? ENGAGING THE PROCESS: QUESTIONS COACHES MIGHT ASK OF THEIR COACHEES To Sharpen Their Focus What is the most important issue for you to address in your effort to be the leader you most want to be? What issue is most painful in the present for you? Based on explicit and implicit feedback, how are people experiencing you currently? What costs are there for you in the current situation—for example, costs to your relationships or an emotional toll? Are there any perceived costs for others in your current situation? What benefits are there for you in the current situation—for example, the benefit of minimizing the expression of anger? How do you want other people to experience you? What would the leader that you want to become do in your current situation? How would you define, in a few words, the most important goal you currently want to achieve? To Prompt Experimentation Now what? What actions might you possibly take to address the issues in your current situation and pursue your goal? What are some “small wins” you might pursue on the path to your overall goal? What experimental actions would you try if you weren’t afraid? How will you know whether your experiments are working? What metrics will show success? How can you build accountability into your experimental plan? Is there an accountability partner you might enlist to give you feedback and help you stay on track? To Assess and Solidify Progress How does the situation you chose to work on feel now? Have you received feedback that suggests improvement? Have you received feedback that reflects new or continuing challenges? What new reactions to you have you noticed that are different than you saw previously? Who could you ask for feedback—for example, using a question like “I’ve been working on X [e.g., my listening, being more open]. How’s it going?” How can you create a context in which it is safe for others to give you feedback? How well are you receiving the feedback others offer? Do your verbal and nonverbal…"
"REFLECTION BEST PRACTICES TO UNDERSTAND PROGRESS ON YOUR LEARNING GOAL Following an important experience, consider three sets of questions: What happened and what was the outcome? What part of this would a video camera recording the scene have captured and what am I adding in based on my biases and anxiety? Did I try any of the experiments that I outlined for making progress on this goal? If not, why not? What obstacles held me back? (Consider both situational obstacles and internal obstacles such as fear, anxiety, or ego.) Did I seek feedback in this situation as I intended—either by observing reactions or by directly asking others for feedback? If not, why not? If yes, what did the feedback tell me about how I am doing on my goal? What positive and negative outcomes were created for me in this experience? What positive and negative outcomes were created for others? Why did things go the way that they went? In what way did I contribute (positively or negatively) to what occurred? What lessons do I distill from this experience? What are the most important takeaways about me? What do I take away about situations like this? What do I conclude about my learning goal? I still need to make progress. Should I keep it as a focus in future experiences? I feel more settled about this goal. Should I perhaps adopt another?"
"I use the four parts of speech in every communication that I engage in, by email or in a meeting or presentation. The four steps start with framing, which explains where I’m coming from and what I think we need to accomplish. The second step is advocating, which is saying what I’m thinking, feeling, suggesting, or planning. The third step is illustrating, in which I provide my rationale using an example or specific case. And in the fourth step, inquiry, I ask people for feedback. I ask, “Am I missing something? What’s your perspective on this? If you were to do this differently, how would you do it?” That practice of inquiry, which I’ve learned over the years, is incredibly valuable to me. When I ask for feedback in this way, I’m offering an invitation to my friends and colleagues to help me to learn and grow. Generally speaking, people are pretty responsive to it, and the results are beneficial to all of us."
"Develop strategic thinking Improve communication skills Executive presence Developing/coaching others (listening, asking open-ended questions versus telling, curiosity, nonjudgmental, co-creating solution, agency for others) Career exploration (purpose, strengths, values, impact/meaning) Negotiating on your own behalf and on behalf of team Collaboration/engaging diversity of thought Leading effective meetings Decision making Managing up Giving, receiving, seeking feedback Managing difficult work relationships Team dynamics Developing team competencies (people, process, results) How to demonstrate value at work Networking internally and externally Boosting confidence Taking healthy risks Self-compassion Perfectionism Job search Managing strong emotions Building trusted relationships"
"Leaders can be very important role models for growth. To be such a role model, try to do the following: Acknowledge your own limitations, faults, and mistakes. Model “teachability” by sharing stories of when you have learned and what you’ve learned. Spotlight follower strengths and contributions. Let people know what they are contributing so that they can grow those strengths over time. Legitimize uncertainty. Share when you don’t necessarily know what’s coming, but express confidence that together the team can face it. Support follower development. Show that it’s okay to make a mistake as long as something is learned from it. Seek feedback. Show that you are open to their views of your leadership."
"For you as a coach, the goal is to create a high-quality connection with your coachee—a connection that is generative and open and allows for the expression of more and varied emotions, including those that are both positive and negative.1 To create such a high-quality connection, you’ll want to work to be fully present in your coaching relationship, to communicate understanding, and to truly listen, engaging your coachee in a curious and nonjudgmental manner. According to Shahnaz, “The key is helping the person being coached to feel seen, heard, respected and safe.”"
"I’m learning to control my hand, my posture, and even my emotions, so that the flow of ink and the end result are more balanced and beautiful. In the process, I’m also noticing other changes. I’m becoming more appreciative of the beauty of works of art, for example, as well as more sensitive to my environment. I’m becoming more observant and more patient. I used to say, “I have no talent for art.” Now I’m not worrying about that. I’m approaching this new challenge in the spirit of thinking and acting outside of the box, and it’s opening me up in new ways."
- →Such roles draw on the entirety of who you are; your thought processes, experiences, biases, emotions, and behaviors all help to shape your leadership. And leadership, like so much of life, is a contact sport: you have to do it with others, which means you can’t succeed as a leader without being personally effective.
- →If your flex goal is to improve your listening skills, implicit feedback might include the increased willingness of your colleagues to speak with you about problems, concerns, or disagreements they may have—or, more subtly, their continued reluctance to do so.
- →Reflection can help you to become aware of and then to exorcise these “ghosts from the past.” I still occasionally catch myself minimizing the requests I make to others, but now I usually see it when I do it, and I can amend the requests immediately.
- →So while seeking feedback may cause some temporary pain, it’s better than the alternative—because getting feedback and learning from it will help you to be a better leader and colleague, and it will help you to be perceived that way, too.
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