Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection
von Charles Duhigg
AT THE BEGINNING OF THE DISCUSSION Tough conversations frequently begin on uncertain footing. Particularly when we’re discussing Who Are We?, we’re usually anxious we’ll say the wrong thing, or tense about what we might hear. We can lessen those anxieties by addressing a few things right away. As a conversation begins: • First, establish guidelines. It is useful to make clear the norms—for instance, no one is allowed to blame, shame, or attack others. The goal is to share our feelings, not litigate who is at fault. It is also helpful to define if asking questions is okay, and if there are some kinds of inquiries—about, say, very personal topics, or particularly sensitive issues—that require some forethought. We should affirm that everyone is encouraged to speak, that everyone belongs in this discussion, and perhaps identify someone to serve as a moderator to make sure everyone is given space. Finally, it is useful to ask people to speak about their own experiences and describe their own stories. Don’t generalize. Don’t solve or diminish others’ problems, unless they ask for help. When a colleague describes something painful, listen, and tell them you’re sorry it happened. Acknowledge what they felt. • Second, draw out everyone’s goals. You likely have some aims in mind. Share them. Then, ask others what they hope to get out of this discussion. Identify emotional goals (“I want to make sure we stay friends” or “I need to get something off my chest”); and practical goals (“I’d like to walk away from this with a plan”); as well as group goals (“It’s important to me that we all show compassion for each other”). • Finally, acknowledge, and keep acknowledging, that discomfort is natural—and useful. We will misspeak. We will ask naïve questions. We will say things we didn’t realize were offensive. When these discomforts emerge, rather than shutting down, we should use them as opportunities to learn. AS THE DISCUSSION UNFOLDS Once we’ve prepared for a hard conversation, and have discussed guidelines and goals, we should remember to: • Draw out multiple identities. Ask people about their backgrounds, communities, the organizations and causes they support, and where they come from. Share your identities in return. We all contain multiple selves; none of us are one-dimensional. It helps to be reminded of that. • Work to ensure everyone is on an equal footing. Who Are We? discussions work best when everyone has an equal voice and the ability to speak. Focus on welcoming everyone’s perspective. Don’t trumpet your wealth or connections, your privilege or seniority, your expertise. Seek to frame topics so everyone is an expert, or everyone a novice. (This, in fact, is why discussing experiences is so powerful: We’re all experts in what we’ve seen and felt.) • Acknowledge people’s experiences and look for genuine similarities. Ask people about their identities and build on what you have in common. (“You went to Valley High? So did I!”) But remember: Similarities must be genuine. And connections become more meaningful when we push them a bit further, and use them to understand each other better. (“High school was tough for me. What was it like for you?”) Even if we don’t have similarities, simply acknowledging others’ experiences—showing you have heard them—can create a sense of togetherness. • Manage your environment. Social identities gain and lose power based on their salience and the environment where a…
It’s crucial, in a Who Are We? conversation, to remind ourselves that we all possess multiple identities: We are parents but also siblings; experts in some topics and novices in others; friends and coworkers and people who love dogs but hate to jog. We are all of these simultaneously, so no one stereotype describes us fully. We all contain multitudes that are just waiting to be expressed.
A deep question asks about someone’s values, beliefs, judgments, or experiences—rather than just facts. Don’t ask “Where do you work?” Instead, draw out feelings or experiences: “What’s the best part of your job?” (One 2021 study found a simple approach to generating deep questions: Before speaking, imagine you’re talking to a close friend. What question would you ask?)
There’s a lesson here: The first step of a quiet negotiation is figuring out what people want from a conversation. The second step is determining how we’re going to make choices together—and that means deciding if this is a rational conversation or an empathetic one. Are we going to make decisions through analysis and reason, or through empathy and narratives?
Sometimes, the stories we hear are enough to help us see a situation through someone else’s eyes, to empathize and reconsider. At other times, dispassionate reason wins the day. But we can only make decisions together if we all agree on which kind of logic is most persuasive. Once we are aligned, our minds become more open to what others have to say.
For Dr. Ehdaie, understanding the difference between the practical logic of costs and benefits and the empathetic logic of similarities was critical. Some patients came in with analytical questions and asked for data. They were clearly in a practical, analytical mindset—and so he knew they would be persuaded through evidence: studies and data.
"AT THE BEGINNING OF THE DISCUSSION Tough conversations frequently begin on uncertain footing. Particularly when we’re discussing Who Are We?, we’re usually anxious we’ll say the wrong thing, or tense about what we might hear. We can lessen those anxieties by addressing a few things right away. As a conversation begins: • First, establish guidelines. It is useful to make clear the norms—for instance, no one is allowed to blame, shame, or attack others. The goal is to share our feelings, not litigate who is at fault. It is also helpful to define if asking questions is okay, and if there are some kinds of inquiries—about, say, very personal topics, or particularly sensitive issues—that require some forethought. We should affirm that everyone is encouraged to speak, that everyone belongs in this discussion, and perhaps identify someone to serve as a moderator to make sure everyone is given space. Finally, it is useful to ask people to speak about their own experiences and describe their own stories. Don’t generalize. Don’t solve or diminish others’ problems, unless they ask for help. When a colleague describes something painful, listen, and tell them you’re sorry it happened. Acknowledge what they felt. • Second, draw out everyone’s goals. You likely have some aims in mind. Share them. Then, ask others what they hope to get out of this discussion. Identify emotional goals (“I want to make sure we stay friends” or “I need to get something off my chest”); and practical goals (“I’d like to walk away from this with a plan”); as well as group goals (“It’s important to me that we all show compassion for each other”). • Finally, acknowledge, and keep acknowledging, that discomfort is natural—and useful. We will misspeak. We will ask naïve questions. We will say things we didn’t realize were offensive. When these discomforts emerge, rather than shutting down, we should use them as opportunities to learn. AS"
"THE DISCUSSION UNFOLDS Once we’ve prepared for a hard conversation, and have discussed guidelines and goals, we should remember to: • Draw out multiple identities. Ask people about their backgrounds, communities, the organizations and causes they support, and where they come from. Share your identities in return. We all contain multiple selves; none of us are one-dimensional. It helps to be reminded of that. • Work to ensure everyone is on an equal footing. Who Are We? discussions work best when everyone has an equal voice and the ability to speak. Focus on welcoming everyone’s perspective. Don’t trumpet your wealth or connections, your privilege or seniority, your expertise. Seek to frame topics so everyone is an expert, or everyone a novice. (This, in fact, is why discussing experiences is so powerful: We’re all experts in what we’ve seen and felt.) • Acknowledge people’s experiences and look for genuine similarities. Ask people about their identities and build on what you have in common. (“You went to Valley High? So did I!”) But remember: Similarities must be genuine. And connections become more meaningful when we push them a bit further, and use them to understand each other better. (“High school was tough for me. What was it like for you?”) Even if we don’t have similarities, simply acknowledging others’ experiences—showing you have heard them—can create a sense of togetherness. • Manage your environment. Social identities gain and lose power based on their salience and the environment where a…"
"BEFORE THE DISCUSSION Before a word is spoken in a Who Are We? conversation, there are some questions you should consider. The goal of this exercise is to nudge yourself to think about how you hope a conversation will unfold, and what you hope will be said. Ask yourself: • What do you hope to accomplish? What do you most want to say? What do you hope to learn? What do you think others hope to say and learn? If we have elucidated goals before a discussion, we’re more likely to achieve them. • How will this conversation start? How will you ensure that everyone has a voice and feels they can participate? What is needed to draw everyone in? • What obstacles might emerge? Will people get angry? Withdrawn? Will a hesitancy to say something controversial prevent us from saying what’s necessary? How can we make it safer for everyone to air their thoughts? •When those obstacles appear, what’s the plan? Research shows that being preemptively aware of situations that make us anxious or fearful can lower the impact of those concerns. How will you calm yourself and others if the conversation gets tense, or encourage someone who has gone quiet to participate more? • Finally, what are the benefits of this dialogue? Are they worth the risks? (The answer usually is yes.) When people get angry or upset, or it’s easier to walk away, how will you remind yourself and others why this dialogue is so important?"
"First, acknowledge understanding. We do this through looping and statements such as “Let me make sure I understand.” • Second, find specific points of agreement. Look for places where you can say “I agree with you” or “I think you’re right that …” These remind everyone that, though we may have differences, we want to be aligned. • Finally, temper your claims. Don’t make sweeping statements such as “Everyone knows that’s not true” or “Your side always gets this wrong.” Rather, use words like somewhat or “It might be …” and speak about specific experiences (“I want to talk about why you left dishes in the sink last night”) rather than broad generalities (“I want to talk about how you never do your part around the house”)."
"This is the real reason why so many conflicts persist: Not because of a lack of solutions or because people are unwilling to compromise, but because combatants don’t understand why they are fighting in the first place. They haven’t discussed the deeper topics—the emotional issues—that are inflaming the dispute. And they’ve avoided that emotional discussion because they don’t want to admit they are furious and sad and worried.16 In other words, they don’t want to talk about How Do We Feel?, even though it’s the most important conversation to have."
"The first one is that many discussions are actually three different conversations. There are practical, decision-making conversations that focus on What’s This Really About? There are emotional conversations, which ask How Do We Feel? And there are social conversations that explore Who Are We? We are often moving in and out of all three conversations as a dialogue unfolds. However, if we aren’t having the same kind of conversation as our partners, at the same moment, we’re unlikely to connect with each other."
"“But you don’t want to begin a negotiation assuming you know what the other side wants,” Malhotra said. This is the first part of the What’s This Really About? conversation: Figuring out what everyone wants to talk about. The simplest method for uncovering everyone’s desires, of course, is simply asking What do you want? But that approach can fail if people don’t know, or are embarrassed to say, or aren’t certain how to express their desires, or worry that revealing too much will put them at a disadvantage."
- →Deep questions can be as light as “What would be your perfect day?” or as heavy as “What do you regret most?” Deep questions don’t always seem deep at first: “Tell me about your family” or “Why do you look so happy today?” are easy to ask—and can be deep because they invite others to explain what makes them proud or worried, joyful or excited.
- →The most profound gift of the What’s This Really About? conversation is a chance to learn what others want to talk about, what they need out of a discussion, and inviting everyone to make choices together. That is when we begin to understand one another, and start finding solutions that are better than anything we could dream up on our own.
- →Before we phone a friend or chat with a spouse, we don’t need to write out a sentence about our goals, of course—but, if it’s an important conversation, taking a moment to formulate what we hope to say, and how we hope to say it, is a good idea. And then, during the discussion, try to observe your companions: Are they emotional?
- →When a teacher—or anyone—asks a question like “Do you want to be helped, hugged, or heard?,” what they are actually asking is: “What kind of conversation are you looking for?” Simply by asking someone what they need, we encourage a learning conversation, a dialogue that helps us discover what everyone most wants.
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